My evil magical billowy pants are trying to kill me

The only reason I can think of why my pants are trying to kill me, is because they don’t fit. 

I’ve packed on a couple pounds since I bought the pants and I’m not able to zip them up all the way. But this is okay as I wear a long blouse over them so you can’t see the half massed zipper.  No harm no foul… apparently the pants don’t view it this way.

Outraged by my insult to its design it has decided to take revenge on me… publicly… and embarrassingly.

The event occurred while I was running for the train.  The evil bastered billowy pants used its floppy billowness to fling itself under my heel and send me flying into the air.

My Mind: WE’RE GOING DOWN… TUCK AND ROLL… TUCK AND ROLL!!!!!!

My Body: ARE YOU INSANE!?!?! LOOK AT WHAT I’M WORKING WITH!!!! SHE CAN’T EVEN SKIP!!!!

My Mind: TUCK AND ROLL DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Body: AAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I fell flat on my face

My Mind: Oh for Christ sake.

My Body: Bite me, at least she’s not dead.

As anyone who falls in front of an entire train full of people, my one and only thought was to get up as quick as possible and act like nothing had happened, and step on the train.

And that’s when the train doors closed in my face.

Me: DDDUUUUDDDEEEEEEEE!

Entire Train Population:  BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! 

There was a pause and then the doors opened again, oh thank god, I stepped in… and everyone applauded me.

Fail to Win in 0.5 seconds, take that evil magical pants!!!

So that’s why the pants are evil… but the magic part came when I sat down.

I pulled up the pant leg and saw a huge red hole in my knee… but the pants… were not torn at all… EVIL MAGIC PANTS!!!!!

Torn knee

Non-torn EVIL MAGIC PANTS!

And now one of my boobs is flatter then the other… thanks a lot Victoria Secret!

So I’m hanging at home, watching some tv, when I see it…

It is every girls fear…

Right up there with snake in the toilet…

Or rat in your hair…

It’s…

SPIDER IN YOUR BRA!!!

Like any rational person, I lost my fracking mind, and then proceeded to beat the living shit out of my boob…

Seriously I was so freaked out with this spider getting away or, even worse, biting or possibly even laying eggs in my booby, that I went all out and held no punches…

Literally…

At one point I flat out punched my boob…

I finally eased up on my one man fight club,  pulled out my shirt, and looked down to make sure the spider of doom was dead…

fffffuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk…

It hadn’t been a spider…

It had been a part of my black lace bra peeking out the top of my shirt…

…

I know you’re laughing…

…

Stop it! You would have done it too…

Don’t believe me?…

Here’s a pic I took afterwards of what I saw before I lost my mind and destroyed my left boob…

Admit it…

you would have done the same thing…

Holy Sh*t, I Have Superpowers!!

So last weekend me and some of my favorite ladies had a spring clothing exchange.

For those of you that don’t know what this is, you’re weird… but I’ll still explain.

All of your friends gather together with clothes they don’t wear anymore. Either the clothes are  too big, too small, too loud, or just too… something. 

Everyone also brings a couple bottles of wine, not to exchange but to drink. You need some liquid courage when you’re stripping down naked in front of a room full of women who all have better bodies then you, even though they’re all thinking that you have a better body then them and you’re thinking they’re crazy and they wish they had your boobs, and you wish you had their legs, and so on and so on, but anywho… I digress.

Once the clothes are laid out and the wine glasses are in hand, all hell breaks loose.

It’s a ‘first grab, first have’ kinda thing. So there’s a lot of pushing, shoving, biting, kicking, and general good times as you fight for that blue chiffon dress that you are positive you will die if you don’t get, but in reality you’ll probably just  wear it once and then throw it in the back of your closet to only be brought back out when it’s time to go to another clothing exchange, it’s a vicious, vicious clothing hording circle… but I digress.

So the main craziness was dying down and I decided to document the awesomeness and screamed out “HEY! LOOK AT ME, RAISE YOUR HANDS, AND SAY HHHEEEYYYYY!”

and they did…

But upon further examination, I realized that they weren’t the only ones who did… direct your gaze to the tv… here, I’ll help.

I CONTROL THE PEOPLE IN THE TV!!!

BAM… your mind blow.

Facebook, telling the world of your sexual shortcomings since 1997

Aaahhhhh Facebook, once again you have made me look like an idiot… a TMI idiot.

Explaining, this morning I discovered that my back passenger window refused to roll up.

So I did what anyone would do, I posted my situation and anger on Facebook:

Mona’s Status: SHIT SHIT SHITTY SHIT DAY!!!!!!!

Susan: Who’s kneecaps do I have to bust

Me: My cars

Susan:… hubcaps it is then.

Me: My window wont go up!

Susan: BAAAA HAHA

Ashley: AHAHAHAHA

James: hahahahahahha

Teeny: lol

Me: I hate you all

Me: HUBBY GOT IT UP!!! What took me 30 minutes and failing took hubby less than 5 minutes to get up!!!!!

Susan: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Ashley: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

James: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Teeny:… tmi… lol

Me: I hate you all

And that’s how I, accidently, destroyed a Yoga instructor

I like cheese… cheese don’t like me…

It’s shocking how many times I forget this, case in point, last night.

It started with me sitting on the couch with a full box of crackers and a block of cheese, it ended with me laying on the couch with a box of crackers and an empty cheese wrapper…

Now you’re probably thinking, well that’s not too bad, just stay in the comfort of your home and ride out the horror that is soon to come in the privacy and safety of your own bathroom.

And I totally would have… except… I had kinda promised Susan I would go to Yoga with her… in like 10 minutes.

YOU IDIOT!

I KNOW!!!

I rolled myself off the couch and down the hall to the bedroom… that’s not a grammar error, I actually rolled down the hall, well maybe more like an army crawl, if the army was a walrus, that had just been hit by a speed boat, and was descending to the oceans depth, to die…  anywho I digress.

So I got to my bedroom and put on my tightest pair of workout pants, I needed all the support I could get to keep in the impending doom.

Then, being who I am, I updated my status on Facebook regarding the current events that were unfolding, which was quickly replied with WAY too much glee from people I had thought were my “friends”.

But jokes on them, I went through that entire class without one toot, seriously not a rip, floof, honk, parp, air bagel, one man salute, bun shaker, tail wind, fluffernutter, what the dog did, break the sound barrier without a plane, turd whistling for the right of way, doing the one-cheek sneak, insane in the methane, or telegraph from Ft. A-hole to Cmdr. Nostril announcing the arrival of Gen. Shat*! (*god bless you UrbanDictionary.com).

Unfortunalty while laying in my final comfort position, I realized I had foolishly forgotten about… the chi straightner.   

The Chi Straightner is when the instructor comes up to your totally relaxed motionless body, leans down, and pulls your legs. 

It’s meant to be a final release of pressure and stress… wow, was.it.ever.

I’m not saying it was bad, but by the time I had finished, the instructor, who was still holding my legs, had gone from a sun kissed gold to a 5 day old corpse white, had shrunk 5 inches and what was left of her beautiful long straight hair had,  literally, curled.

But being a professional, she wordlessly placed my legs back down and moved on to the next person, who was Susan, who was convulsing in the fetal position, partly because of her attempt to hold in the laughter and also because of her attempt to get away from the ode de Mona.

Cheese – 1

Mona – 0

Yoga Instructor – -100

And that’s how I caused mass hysteria on public transport

I would just like to start this blog, the same way I start most of my stories that end in total and complete mayhem, by stating that it was NOT. MY. FAULT… okay maybe a little bit.

This is how it went down. It’s Monday morning… that in itself should already explain plenty, no one is in their right mind on Monday morning.

SO, I’m sitting on the bus when I hear the following behind me…

*gasp* *gurgle* *groan*

 Now again it’s Monday morning, so I shrug it off as someone having a pretty hard time recovering from the weekend, but it starts getting louder…

 *GURGLE* *GROAN* *GASP*

 Then my imagination starts being a dick…

 Imagination: Ya know what that sounds like Mona?

Me: I don’t care, shut up, go away.

Imagination: that sounds like… The Walking Dead!

Me:Dude, not cool. And no it doesn’t…

 *GROAN* *GGRRR* *GURGLE*

 Imagination: Oh. My. God. You’re gonna die!

Me: SHUT UP! It’s just someone having a REALLY hard time getting going this morning and needs some coffee.

Imagination: Ya, someone having a hard time cause they’re dead and not wanting coffee but the brains of the living!!

Me: I hate you so much right now.

Imagination: It’s probably already eaten everybody behind us and is doing its slow zombie walk towards you… brains… Brains… BRAINS!!!

At that moment the poor person behind me decided to pull the cord for the next stop and their hand brushed up against my shoulder.

 Me: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHDONTEATMYBRAINS!!!!!

This is when I discovered that everyone around me had been having the same conversation with their own imaginations, because my scream caused the entire bus population to either scream and/or jump out off their seats, and I shit you not, one guy went into ninja stance.

The groaning, gurgling, gasping, and grunting had stopped because who had been causing it was an old man’s bull dog that had been sitting at the very back of the bus, and was now unconscious.

It had either fainted from all of us turning suddenly and screaming at it … or had possibly died…

I would prefer to go with fainting as the other would be too much to handle on a Monday morning.

WHY IS SHE SMILING!?!?!?

And then I shot my dog.

I was walking my fantastic dog Orko early this morning and was not quite awake, this is why I didn’t see the other lady walking her dog, until Orko had jumped up and planted both paws right into her boobs…

Me: Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry!! We’re working on not jumping, wow he got you right in the boobage, I am really sorry!!

She gave a grimace smile and said:

“Yes, well some dogs aren’t smart enough to be trained.”

I proceeded to take off my earings and said:

“… scuse me?”

She smiled and leaned down to pick up her poodle whom Orko was attempting to give a colonoscopy to with his nose.

Boob Lady: Nothing personal, just some dogs have a hard time learning basic commands. My Hammish, of course, is not one of them.

Me:… Really? Okro. Sit

He sat

Me: … lay down

He laid down

Me: … bang

He rolled over onto his back, threw both paws over his eyes, and howled.

Me:… have a nice day.

And we walked away. Beat that Hammish.

Seriously people, he can do it. Bet you thought I made that up… where’s the trust?!?