I’m not a beginner when it comes to spray tans, I’m Irish, it’s really the only way I can get a tan on my skin. There are 2 colors I’ve been able to pull off on my own, ‘Dead for Days’ White or ‘GOOD GOD WOMAN! EVER HEARD OF SUNSCREEN?’ Red. And even after the burn has faded, I’ve only gone from ‘Dead for Days’ White to ‘Only Been Dead for Hours’ Pink.
So for special occasions, I often make my way to a tanning salon with a spray tan booth. If you’ve never done a spray tan booth before, let me give you some helpful tips.
1. Get naked, seriously, it’s the best for no lines and you’re in a room alone, so go all out.
2. Don’t forget to put on the lotion… IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!!!… Sorry! Sorry, couldn’t help myself. But seriously you put the lotion on your hands and feet so the spray tan doesn’t make them orange.
3. Make sure to take a deep breath and hold it before the spray starts. The booth will give you a beep down to spray time, DO NOT take a breath on the final beep… seriously, at that point it’s too late and you’ll get a mouthful of tanning solution. That taste never goes away, plus you live in horror that your teeth may tan too.
4. Once completed, dab yourself with a towel DO NOT RUB. Made that mistake my first time and had lovely streaks all over my body the next day, Hubby could not stop laughing.
Anywho, back to the present, I found a great Yelp review for this woman named Diana who, per the reviews, was a GENIUS when it came to spray tanning, so I made my appointment. Although I didn’t really get why I needed a genius to show me to a spray tan booth… I really should have thought about that a little more.
Appointment day arrived. I walked into the shop, which was actually a whole bunch of little shops, and met Diana. She walked me to a room and closed the door behind us… hhhmmmm… it was a small room, contained a chair, some towels, a cupboard… and that’s it… No spray tan booth.
I turned to Diana, to ask her about the missing tanning booth, only to see her holding a paintball gun. WHAT THE FU…!?!?
Diana: Okay strip.
OH MY GOD! I’M BEING ROBBED… WITH A FRACKING PAINTBALL GUN!!!
Me: It’s an old dress, it’s not worth anything!
Diana: … okay… but still, we don’t want to get it covered with spray tan.
Ooooohhhhhh, right. Not a paintball gun, a spray tan gun.
Diana: So do you want to do it naked or keep undies on.
Me: UNDIES ON!
I’m not a prude, but dude, I had just met Diana, she was gonna need to buy me a drink before she could see my hoo haa. Her seeing the boys, I had no problem with, at some point of time I think everyone in the world has seen the boys. THAT’S why they’re called the boys, and not the girls, they’re always popping out at the wrong time and getting in trouble.
I quickly stripped to my undies, looked down, and mentally head slapped myself. Granny panties… of course I was wearing my granny panties, cause I was on my period… girls you know what I’m talking about, boys… never mind, you’ll never know… unless you’re married, then you know and it’s probably scarred into your brain… where was I?… Oh ya, period granny panties… fanfreakingtastic.
Me: I’m sorry, I’m wearing granny panties, and I totally thought I was getting into a booth, and I didn’t expect to stand in front of a person, and I’m on my period, and these are probably the most uglies panties you have ever seen, and I’m really sorry, and…
Diana: STOP! Trust me, I’ve seen worse… way worse.
I instantly felt better, then realized I was really only better than ‘way worse’ so not that much better after all.
The spray tan session actually went really well, there was some awkwardness in the poses she needed me to make for “optimal spraying” and then there was this paint rolly thing she used in some… interesting places… but that’s for another blog and I’ve already made this longer than it needs to be.
p.s. I used the word panties instead of underwear because my bestie HATES it when people say panties instead of underwear. And she is a faithful reader of my blog, so I’m sure she is currently dying as she reads this post. So with that in mind… PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES!… And because I love her… MOIST, MOIST, MOIST, MOIST, MOIST, MOIST, MOIST, MOIST!! Okay that should do it, she’s probably curled up on the floor, shaking in convulsions.
I <3 my bestie…
p.s.s. Has anyone else noticed that the <3 which is supposed to look like a heart actually looks like a … you know… YOU KNOW… no?… just me??… Okay.
p.s.s.s. I hate it when people use more than one p.s.
p.s.s.s.s. Did you know that p.s. stands for postscript? I know, weird.