I’m sorry, call me a prude I don’t care, but a girl should not post about her va… her vagi… her lady parts.

HOWEVER, I have “friends” who pretty much demanded I blog about my first Brazilian Wax, so … here we go.

I won’t bore you with a long story on why after 35 years I decided now was the time to become bare down there. Let’s just say there was a wrap dress, a gust of wind, and a horrified expression on Ashley’s face that resulted in me making an appointment at Trixie’s Beauty Bar.

Now there a few things you should know about your first Brazilian Wax:

1.  Take Ibuprofen BEFORE the appointment; it’s all about a preemptive strike people, and not shutting the bar door after the horses are already out… or something like that.

2.  When offered wine by your esthetician Tracy, YOU SAY YES! I don’t care that its 9am, this is one of those few times when drinking wine in the morning is TOTALLY acceptable. But you should only drink white wine; let’s try to keep it classy Portland.

3.  Do not be embarrassed when you bare it all to Tracy, and I do mean ALL, like I have this birth mark on my… never mind.  What I’m trying to say is it’s just like your yearly pap exam, except Tracy’s not shoving a cold metal object up your wahoo, and she has wine. Honestly, I’d enjoy my pap exams way more if they included an open bar.

4.  Surprisingly someone patting your leg, after ripping off all your lady part hairs, does actually take your mind off the pain. Although for me it was mainly because I was focused on flexing my leg so there was no Jell-O wiggley aftershocks happening on my thighs. Oh what ever, you’d do the same thing!

5.  The reveal will surprise you, seriously.  I hadn’t seen it hairless mole rat down there since I was 8, it was a bit of a shock, but probably not for the reason you’re thinking. (Yes, I did just compare it to a hairless mole rat… shut up… and stop laughing.)

Ashley: SO how’s it look!?

Me: um… okay… I mean good, I like it!  It’s just… um…

Ashley: Good Lord What!?

Me: well… I’m not sure… but… aah… I think it was sticking its tongue out at me.

Ashley:.. really.

Me: ya, did yours do that?

Ashley: No, but I gotta say I’m not surprised.

Me: Really, why?

Ashley: Well it just seems natural that your vagina would have a sense of humor.

Me: … ha ha, thanks a lot.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

Control yourselves people!! oh wait… that was me… anywho.  We’re so series about this we’ve actually already created a page on Facebook ,we need 25 people to “like” us to be a real page, but we’re almost there and you know the minute we get 25 I’m breaking out my Sally Field Oscar acceptance speech… YOU LIKE ME… YOU REALLY LIKE ME!

And we’re on the Twitter (@2GeekyGirlyGirl  … no s… apparently we’re too wordy for Twitter, but seriously WHO ISN’T!?!

So stay tuned on either of those sites and we’ll have your weekly dose of geeky girly awesomeness coming soon!

… tee hee… I said coming… okay no more wine for me… well maybe a little.

After much shrieking and dancing around like little girls Ashley, my fellow geek enthusiast and best bud, and I departed for our Who adventure. 

I wanted to give a second by second play of events but Ashley pointed out that some of my readers may not be as geekly awesome as us and could get bored with THAT much detail… I don’t believe it but agreed to shorten it to minute by minute.

4:30pm Ashley and I sneak out of work early and begin the drive to the promise land.

4:55 Ashley and I sit in traffic on the I-5 yelling insults at everyone on the road for Dr. Who blocking us!

5:05 Due to some faulty navigating, my bad, we pass the pub and continue 2 miles north in the wrong direction.

5:10 After we realize our mistake, and Ashley stops beating me with my own phone, we turn around.

5:20 WE ARRIVE!

5:21 Find parking spot RIGHT IN FRONT… it’s a sign of the awesomeness to come.

5:22 First photo opportunity at front door.

5:23 We realize that was actually not the front door and quickly follow the sign that says “Front door ==>”.

5:24 WE ARRIVE… again.

5:25 We stand in awe looking at all the Dr Who stuff.

Actual size.. note christmas lights to the right. BUT owner says he's in the process of making a life size version!!

5:26 Sit down and quickly order the large onion rings, clam chowder soup, bangers and mash, and fish and chips… we were a little pekish.

5:27 – 5:35 Discuss if this momentous occasion means we can break our dry month 6 days early. (Ashley, being a true and loyal friend, has been doing the dry month with me in a show of solidarity… and cause I’m her main drinking partner and it would have been a pretty boring month either way)

5:36 We cave and I order a UK size Pint of Guinness… UK SIZE PEOPLE!!! (you would have caved too)

5:41 Guinness arrives

5:44 Guinness finished

5:55 HUBBY ARRIVES!!!

5:56 Hubby orders a UK size Pint of Guinness and offers me a sip… I come clean and tell him I already had one… Hubby says he knew it and was testing me for honesty… I get mad at Hubby’s lack of trust… Ashley tells me to shut up cause he’s letting me off… I grudgingly agree and thank Hubby… he replies “no problem… alchy”… bad feeling this nickname is gonna stick.

6:00 Food arrives, Hubby asks how we knew to order food for him… uh…

6:01 – 7:59 All eating no talking, food is AMAZING!

7:05 Dr Who walks in… I shit you not.

7:06 Ashley and I whisper frantically about our game plan for getting a pic with Dr Who.  Hubby (rolling eyes) gets up, walks over to Dr. Who and asks for a picture op with the 2 girls squealing in the corner … Dr Who agrees… my husband is a GOD!

Dude even had the Sonic Screwdriver!

7:15 I had to pee and stumbled upon the Tardis (aka bathroom door).

Suprisingly NOT bigger on the inside.

7:20 Ashley finds her favorite doctor and the make out session begins.

7:50 After a 30 minute argument over the pros and cons of David Tennant as the best Doctor of all the Doctors (Ashley was pros, I was cons) we come to a ground breaking realization… together we have an amazing amount of geek knowledge AND we’re freaking hilarious, and that’s not just the Guinness talking… okay kind of, but not completely. Because of this realization, Ashley and I declare we’re going to create our own weekly geek video podcast.

7:52 – 8:10 Hubby works with us on what we’ll need to make this world-changing declaration come to be and decides we should all head home to start working on the first episode.

8:15 Ashley and I wave goodbye to our new favorite pub and vow to return in a month, not that we don’t LOVE our Dr. Who Pub… it’s just our waistlines wont allow us to go there every day.

Me: HI!

Hubby: hello

Me: YOU’RE PRETTY!

Hubby:… thanks

Me: YOU’RE WELCOME!

Hubby: So how was the happy hour?

Me: YOU’RE PRETTY!

Hubby: ya, didn’t you also go to a wine tasting on Wednesday?

Me: YES! IT WAS DE… DELIGH… DELIGHT… IT WAS FUN.

Hubby: and now a happy hour today.

Me: YEP!  HEY! YOU’RE PRETTY!

Hubby: ya that seems to be the popular opinion.  Babe don’t you think that’s a lot of drinking for one week.

Me: PPPHHHIISSSHHHHH! I COULD DO MORE!

Hubby: Oh I’m sure you could, how about you do less?

(trap laid)

Me: OKAY!

(trap snared)

Hubby: okay, starting at this moment you don’t drink any alcohol for a month.

Me: OKAY!     whoa what?

Hubby: You’re pretty.

Me: Shit.

So there you go everyone, I’ve stopped drinking for a month. It’s not hard… it’s just… it’s just… it’s just SO BORING!!! 

Me in 3 weeks

When? Last night

Where? Our living room

Who? CIA Cat, Hubby, and Me

What? The Laser Pointer

Why?… okay let me explain.

Hubby was in the bedroom ranting about my inability to hang things up after wearing them.

I was in the living room trying to get CIA Cat to exercise by teasing her with the laser dot and shouting out pithy comments to Hubby about his inabilty to aim straight.

CIA Cat decided she was bored with me and the bouncy red dot and flopped on her back with a “MEOWER!”, Which I believe translated to “Ah fuck all of you”.

Before I could shout out to Hubby that CIA Cat had just used the F word, Hubby came flying threw the air from the bedroom. He landed on all four and began pouncing on the laser red dot, leaping back and then forward and then back again, swatting away at the little red dot like it was on fire.

I, at first, was in shock but regained composure and pointed the red dot at Hubby’s butt. He quickly spun around and around swatting at his butt, then rolled over to the wall where the red dot was now mocking him and slapped away at it until I pointed it to the kitchen where he took off after it, still on all four.

I was dying with laughter, Hubby was totally invested in his play acting, and CIA Cat (and seriously people I’m not making this shit up) CIA Cat sat on the floor with her mouth opened staring after him.

I’m guessing that she had been about to start cleaning herself when Hubby suddenly made his surprise entrance causing her to stop in mid-motion and leave her mouth open while she watched the show, ya I’m sure that’s the realistic reason why she was sitting there sprawled back on her haunches with her mouth wide open… But I prefer my reason, which is, we finally just seriously shocked the hell out of her.

I weep that there is no photo documentation of this great event. But like all great moments in time, ya just had to be there.

So we all started sharing our best pulled over stories and surprise surprise, I won.

It was 8 years ago, Hubby and I were living in LA and we had just bought our Audi. Now you have to understand, this was the first NEW car I’d ever owned and we’d only had it for 2 days.

So it was around midnight and I was driving downtown to pick up Hubby from a really late night at the office. I had just got on the the 101, and because there was no one on the freeway, just kinda let the car go.  Suddenly I saw headlights coming up fast behind me and I thought “oh look at this asshole trying to catch up cause he wants to race, what a douche”, then the ”douche” turned his police lights on… ya.

At this point I look down at the speedometer and see that I’m going 95 miles an hour… in a 55.

Well I instantly pull over, but then “douche” announces over his loudspeaker that I need to continue to the next exit and pull over at a SAFE location.

Oh great, I think, now I’ve probably really pissed him off for pulling over at an unsafe location after going 40 miles over the speed limit.  I take the off ramp and pull over at a gas station right on the corner.

Officer Douche walkes up to my drivers side window and shines a flashlight in my face… rude, but I’m gonna let it go.

Me: Hello officer sir. (politeness always a good thing)

Officer D: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I was speeding… a little.

Officer D: … Where are you heading to?

Me: Picking my Hubby up from work, downtown.

Officer D: Hhmm, do you know how fast you were going?

Me: 90…ish.

Officer D: 96

Me: Really? I thought it said 95 when I looked down after seeing your lights.

Officer D:…

Me: Sorry Officer sir, we just got this car and I had NO idea I was going that fast! My last car was a 1983 Subaru Sedan named Oliver, cause he was green, and the fastest he could go was 50 and if I tried to go faster then that he would start shaking like a…

Officer D: Maam have you been drinking?

Me: NO! No seriously I haven’t, I always talk like this and especially cause I’m nervous and you’re armed and..

Officer D: Okay I’m gonna need you to follow my finger with your eyes, without moving your head.

Me: oh okay

(He moved the finger left, right and I must have passed, cause he looked surprised and asked for my license and registration)

Me: oh… um… okay. We just bought this car and I’m not quite certain where the registration is (or what it looked like).

I pulled out the big binder the dealership had given us and began pulling out random pieces of paper.

Me: Is this it?

Officer D: No

Me: This?

Officer D: Nope

Me: How bout this one?

Officer D: Not even close

Me: This one?

Officer D: Yes

Me: WOO HOO!

Officer D: Thank you maam, please stay in your car and I’ll be back.

So by now I’ve accepted the fact that I’m getting a ticket and have begun working out ways of making sure Hubby doesn’t find out.  I decided I would open up a bank account in my name, transfer funds to it and use that to pay off the ticket, Hubby would never know.  But then I realized that the insurrance would probably go up, especially since I had been going 41 miles over the speedlimit. Then that got me thinking how much is a ticket for 41 miles over the speed limit? Isn’t a ticket like $10 for every mile over the speed limit? HOW MUCH IS $10 TIMES 41!?!? Oh man I am so royally screwed!

At this point Officer Douche comes back and I reached out to take my ticket.

Officer D: Here’s your license and registration back.

Me: thank you

Officer D: You may want to really examine that registration so you’ll be able to find it a little easier in the future.

(ha ha Officer D ha ha)

Me: thank you

Officer D: I’m gonna let you off with a warning.

Me: YOU’RE WHAT!?!? But I was going 41 miles over the speed limit!!

Officer D:… I know, and try not to do that anymore.

Me: OH NO SIR OFFICER SIR! Thank you so much!!

So I put my papers away, waved at Officer Awesome, and drove to Hubby’s work.

Me: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS!?!

Hubby: Babe it’s late and I’m tired and…

Me: I GOT PULLED OVER FOR GOING 96 IN A 55 AND DIDN’T GET A TICKET!!!

Hubby: WHAT!?!

Me: RIGHT!?!?! ISN’T THAT AMAZING!!!

Hubby: What was wrong with the officer that pulled you over? Not only should you have got a ticket, but that could be considered reckless driving and he could have arrested you!

Me: Well I gave a good reason, I was picking you up and the car was new and Oliver always started shaking if I was going over the speedlimit and I don’t have any tickets on my record, and I think maybe he felt sorry for…

Hubby: Did you show him boobage?

Me: BABE!!

Hubby: Well, it’s outragious that you didn’t get a ticket! If I had been pulled over going that fast I would have got a ticket and been sitting in jail by now!!

Me: So you wanted me to get a ticket that could have possibly been a $1,000 and arrested?

Hubby: YES! It would have taught you a lesson!

Me:… It did.

Hubby: Really?

Me: Ya, you can take the metro home from now on, lesson learned.

Me: I would totally take care of it. You wouldn’t have to do anything!

Hubby: Don’t believe you.

Me: Think of all the joy it would bring into our lives!

Hubby: Think of all the peeing, pooping and drooling it would bring into our lives.

Me: We could take it everywhere we go. We could take it to the park, out for walks, and camping!

Hubby: We dont camp.

Me: We would! Cause we want it to get fresh air and excercise!

Hubby: Why don’t we just have a baby?

Me: Crazy man says what?

Hubby: I’m serious.  All those reasons you just listed for a puppy work for a baby too.

Me… um… okay… do you want a baby?

Hubby: Well ya, and you’re not getting any younger.

Me: You may want to stop talking as you’ve just stepped on a bitch slap mine and it may go off with your next word.

Hubby: Shut up you know what I mean, can’t woman not have babies after a certain age?

Me: um ya but I think I’ve still got some time… But ya… ya… I think it is time.  Okay I’ll make an appointment with my doctor to get my birth control stopped and then… ya… IT’S BABY MAKING TIME!

Hubby:… wow… okay… so… well there’s really no rush, I mean… um…I don’t want to pressure you.

Me: No, no you’re not! This is a great idea!! Do you think you can get me pregnant before Christmas!? I totally want to send our holiday cards with a sonograms of the baby wearing a Santa Hat saying “Happy Holidays and Hell Just Froze Over!”

Hubby: You’re totally screwing with me aren’t you.

Me: No, I’m just calling your bluff.

Hubby:… tell me more about the puppy.

I WIN!!!!

It all started with an in-grown nose hair (seriously, doesn’t it always?).

Hubby: Babe, I think I have an in-grown hair in my nose.

Me: ow, that sucks.

Hubby: ya, or it could be a pimple.

Me: hhmmm interesting.

Hubby:… could you look?

Me: … what…really?

Hubby: Seriously honey, it’s killing me.

Me: *sigh* fine. Lay down, let’s see what we got.  Ten years of marriage and I’ve been demoted to nose checker… OH!

Hubby: What!? What do you see?

What I said: Um okay… I do see something.
What I was thinking: HOLY SHIT!!!

Hubby: and?

What I said: It looks like one side of the inside of your nostril is inflamed.
What I was thinking: IT’S A TUMOR! OH MY GOD HE HAS CANCER!!

Hubby: Inflamed? What does it look like?

What I said: Well, it’s a big red bump.
What I was thinking: TUMOR, CANCER, WHY GOD WHY!?! I’M GONNA BE A WIDOW… I CAN’T PULL OFF BEING A WIDOW! I’M 35 AND BLONDE… WHO’S EVER HEARD OF A BLONDE 35 YEAR OLD WIDOW!?!?!

Hubby: Well let’s see what google says.

What I said: That’s a good idea.
What I was thinking: HE’S GONNA FIND OUT THE TRUTH FROM GOOGLE, HE WONT BE ABLE TO TAKE IT… DAMN YOU GOOGLE!!!

Hubby: Okay, it says it’s an allergy reaction and I should take some Benadryl.

What I said: Oh good, we have some in the bathroom.
What I was thinking: YOU FOOL IT’S NOT ALLERGIES!! IT’S A FREAKING TUMOR THE SIZE OF TEXAS!  OH GOD WHY, HE’S SO YOUNG AND I FINALLY GOT HIM TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!

(45 minutes later)

Hubby: It doesn’t hurt anymore, wanna check how it looks?

What I said: Sure
What I was thinking: HE’S NOT FEELING ANY PAIN? OH GOD, HE’S NOT FEELING ANY PAIN!… THIS IS THE END!!!

…

What I said:… huh… it’s really gone down, still red but definitley improving.
What I was thinking: HE’S CURED… IT’S A MIRACLE!!!!!

Zumba is the dance of my people! My Latin, Spanish, Indian, Irish, People!

While I strongly urge everyone to join a Zumba class, I would like to offer a few morsels of Zumba wisdom.

#1 RESPECT THE ZUMBA BUBBLE!

If I’ve claimed my dance spot, DO NOT sneak up and stand directly behind me! Zumba involves much leaping, sashaying, and spinning with outstretched arms.  Did I feel bad about bitch slapping her?… Yes, but dude, she didn’t respect my bubble and anyways it was an accident… kinda.

#2 Men in your class are a onetime occurrence. 

There have been two men who’ve attended a class since I’ve been going. The first dude was like 60 and it was obvious his wife dragged him along and he seemed intrigued at first, until the first booby shake move came… he did his best, but we all knew he wasn’t coming back.

Guy number 2 was your classic “I’ve come to hit on you, feel honored”. He may have had a chance with some of the girls, except for the huge cast on his arm. The moment he did his first spin with outstretched arms, we scattered.  One poor girl wasn’t paying attention and almost got slammed into the next studio. He left sad and alone, with his cast, who I named Casty the Crusher.

#3 There is no pole, stop dancing like a stripper. 

SERIOUSLY! I know we’re all girls and we’re all shaking our hynees and booby thrusting, BUT please stop bouncing your ass in my face like you expecting me to slip a dollar in it! One, you’re not that good and Two, I’m married.

#4 This is Zumba! Not a library. Make some noise people!

This may come as a shock to you guys, but I’m a pretty vocal person and if I’ve just completed a jump, sashay, shimmy, leap, pivot, perfectly! I’m gonna let out a “HELLZ YA!”… please stop staring at me like I just dropped a deuce on the dance floor.

#5 If you fall… roll with it. 

During a really hard back jump run thing a girl fell down in front of me. For a fraction of a second I was embarrased/horrified for her, but then she used the falling momentum to tuck, roll, and spring back up on her feet totally nailing the next move like nothing happened… SHE WAS LIKE A GOD! A nimble, flying, dancing God!!

I told Tif that if I fell I was going to do the exact same move.  Tif pointed out that if I fell I would probably be laughing so hard I would just lay there and be trampled by the rest of the class… harsh Tif… true… but harsh.